Exposing myself
I mentioned a post back or two that I've been dealing with my dependence on other things (or really a lack there of). I found myself a couple of months ago joining a small group (oh, and joining Bethlehem Church). After a year and a half of enjoying sitting in church pew or chair and revitalizing myself through streamlining my life I finally felt like I needed to get involved. At this point I really am not ready to do any type of ministry, but to be in real fellowship with my church family has been such an eye opener. Let me go back two years ago.
Moving to MN was a fresh start for me. Not just a feeling, but really a desire and a purposeful decision. But after a year or two I found myself in the same problems. I felt run-down, tired, without purpose, and spread to thin. I could feel myself scratching the dry toast of my life underneath my job, church, ministry, and relationships. I hated myself for being in the same rut. At this point I knew my life had the ability to change, but I didn't know how to change my feelings or actions. This really upset me. At this point God started to deal with me. I knew that if I was feeling unsettled in a life I had chosen for myself then I was the one making bad decisions. So I stopped. I stopped everything. Some of this stopping was really bad for me (like everything that happened in my old job), some of it was AWESOME for me. Once I stopped everything I noticed I felt absolutely raw. Like I wasn't me. The great thing about this raw feeling was it felt real. It had been a long time since I had let go and God started sanding down the edges I had always hated. My dead skin, like a cleansing facial at the spa, was being removed and my new skin felt tender and unsure.
In some ways I am still tender and unsure. No where is this feeling more apparent than in my small group at church. Growing up in the same church with the same people naturally creates a sense of family and community. I remember telling myself I didn't need that with an other group. What I failed to realize was that if God was calling me to a new church then God was calling me to be in fellowship with it. WHAT A BLESSING! I think the best part is getting to know people with the intention of deepening my relationship God. This isn't a social environment, although it can be, but it's true fellowship. And I love it.
Moving to MN was a fresh start for me. Not just a feeling, but really a desire and a purposeful decision. But after a year or two I found myself in the same problems. I felt run-down, tired, without purpose, and spread to thin. I could feel myself scratching the dry toast of my life underneath my job, church, ministry, and relationships. I hated myself for being in the same rut. At this point I knew my life had the ability to change, but I didn't know how to change my feelings or actions. This really upset me. At this point God started to deal with me. I knew that if I was feeling unsettled in a life I had chosen for myself then I was the one making bad decisions. So I stopped. I stopped everything. Some of this stopping was really bad for me (like everything that happened in my old job), some of it was AWESOME for me. Once I stopped everything I noticed I felt absolutely raw. Like I wasn't me. The great thing about this raw feeling was it felt real. It had been a long time since I had let go and God started sanding down the edges I had always hated. My dead skin, like a cleansing facial at the spa, was being removed and my new skin felt tender and unsure.
In some ways I am still tender and unsure. No where is this feeling more apparent than in my small group at church. Growing up in the same church with the same people naturally creates a sense of family and community. I remember telling myself I didn't need that with an other group. What I failed to realize was that if God was calling me to a new church then God was calling me to be in fellowship with it. WHAT A BLESSING! I think the best part is getting to know people with the intention of deepening my relationship God. This isn't a social environment, although it can be, but it's true fellowship. And I love it.
posted by Unknown @ Monday, October 01, 2007
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