Tagged

Funny how we find ways to do "forwards" even on blogs. I've been tagged, so here are 8 things about me:

1) I hate making Frappaccinos, although I have gotten better about it and I totally recognize the profit and loyal customers they bring.

2) Although I love children, I am not sure if I want any.

3) I will do just about anything by myself, but I hate to travel alone.

4) Almost ashamedly I saw Pirates 3 twice this weekend.

5) When I was in my old job I spent hours on hours looking things up on the Internet and would frequently post on message boards. (it's the only thing I miss about that job)

6) I'm getting almost straight A's in college, but I still need to pass a stupid English editing test.

7) My brother and his family are the biggest factor for me living in MN, mostly because I have a ton of guilt for the way I treated him as a kid.

8) My best poetry is depressing, and most of my creativity stems from a overactive (mostly unhealthy) emotional state.

School is almost out for the summer

Ugh, I'm sick of school. I have one more week and one more massive paper to write (due 2 weeks after the class is finished) and I'll be free for 5 weeks. Then it's on to Math and Science. SCARY!!!!! My current class is Intro to Literature and the homework is way over the top. Lots of reading, lots of research, and lots of papers. Despite being sick of school and this class being very demanding, I really like it. Some of the things I already knew because of my drama from Pilly, and some of it is totally foreign. One of the larger projects was an original short story. I got an A so I thought I post it.


“What am I doing here?” She said to herself as she stood in the quiet room. “One, two, three, one, two, three” interrupted her thoughts as the words just naturally appeared in her mind as the music began to play. She had started the record player moments ago, but there was always that awkward moment before the music started that allowed her mind to drift away from the place she stood. There was something about the scratching noise of the needle against the blank part of the record that was so far removed from the familiar music that for only a moment the noise would jilt her thoughts from the uniform of tights and leotards and aching feet to a world without precision and practice.
The music had now begun. The random thoughts of worry and dread fell away as her perfectly shaped arms and legs glided through the room. Unlike before the music started, every thought and desire was controlled and guided by choreographed steps and feelings, both driven by the “one, two, three, one, two, three” she now heard in her head. The movement was natural and comfortable. But something was different about today. This was why she was here, to belong to the music and the choreography.
Only moments ago the room had been cold and lonely. There was no furniture and only a window and a small lamp to light up the room, but the music transported her to a perfect place. This place was like a dream, eerie but magical. There were warm red trees that blew in the wind and the sun was just peering over the yellow hills. It was early morning and she was dancing to the quietness of the fall breeze that made the leaves dance in a similar motion as her movement and as she moved it created its own puff of air so that as the leaves fell from the sky they would fly back into the breeze.
Here she was queen. All the worries and doubts fell away as the sun rose and kissed her face. She no longer heard the music, but instead the world that was created in her mind. It was clear to her in this make-believe world, that only here is where she wanted to belong. Not the cold room with all the expectations from the people whose minds were closed with thoughts of work, money, fame and endless mundane tasks.
People feared that she worked too hard and did not understand that there was more to life than dance. However this was not true. She knew exactly how to come back to the boring ordinary world. All it took was for the music to stop. How could they ask her to stop? Not just because the world she created was beautiful and perfect, but because she had toiled and practiced all her life to ascend to this world of fantasy. There was a time where all she could think about was the steps, movement, precision and the endless counting, but today she finally reached the point of flawlessness. Her arms, legs, neck and torso, even her fingers felt the unity of the music, the choreography and this new world of fantasy. Finally today her dreams had come true. No longer would she mindlessly count out the music, but instead let her mind wonder to a world driven by perfection and daydreams. The fear and worry had fallen away.

Whatever will be will be

I have always wanted a destiny. As a little girl I wanted that destiny was to be a princess, as an older child that morphed into a ballerina because that was the closest to a princess a girl could get. When that died, my destiny search became the bane of my existence. I searched for it, and searched for it, to no avail. That gave way to a need for a family, a husband and children. Now, looking back on those desires I realized it was just giving up on my desires for a destiny. I may sound crazy. In fact in reading this back to myself, I think it’s a large possibility, but that doesn’t change my desire for it. Thinking about a definition of “destiny” the Christian version pops up in my mind. “My destiny is to glorify Christ”. This is ultimately true. So much so that I can lay my head on my pillow at night knowing that if I seek to glorify Him I will have accomplished my destiny. Sometimes I fail at that destiny and sometimes I happily succeed. But apart from that destiny, am I wrong to want more? It’s not selfish like it was as a child to be a princess or a ballerina, but it’s not normal like a wife and mother either. Some people relish in those things. Janet and my niece Naomi are like that. All it takes is a look in Janet eyes even doing something a simple as kissing my brother or Joslyn to know that Janet has found her destiny and all it takes is the happiness Naomi has watching her children play to know she has found her destiny. I want that. I feel wrong for needing that. I feel wrong for desiring something more extravagant.

Addiction

I admit it I admit it. I love TV. Sometimes it's a problem. When I first moved out from my parents we didn't have cable only bunny ears, and even then the one channel we got in wasn't good so I would only suffer through it if I were very bored or The X Files were on. However now with TiVo and Katie's addiction too, my viewing pleasure has gotten out of hand. Unlike Katie if a show is on I can't do anything else. Katie gets ready in the morning, does work from home, cleans the house. I'm locked on, ears, eyes, and heart. This creates problems, most recently the pain I feel for a show when it's going away. Gilmore Girls has only next week left. I'm so sad I could cry. Nothing on TV comes closer to real life drama. And nothing else comes close to an ideal TV show. Love, fashion, family, comedy all wrapped up into one package. Oh what am I to do. It's a good thing summer is coming and the shows will go away. I need to get back to reality.

Single

Since other people have been quoting my pastor, I though it was time I did.


God promises those of you who remain single in Christ blessings that are better than the blessings of marriage and children, and he calls you to display, by the Christ-exalting devotion of your singleness, the truths about Christ and his kingdom that shine more clearly through singleness than through marriage and child rearing. The truths, namely,

1) That the family of God grows not by propagation through sexual intercourse, but by regeneration through faith in Christ;

2)That relationships in Christ are more permanent, and more precious, than relationships in families (and, of course, it is wonderful when relationships in families are also relationships in Christ; but we know that is often not the case);

3)That marriage is temporary, and finally gives way to the relationship to which it was pointing all along: Christ and the church—the way a picture is no longer needed when you see face to face;

4)That faithfulness to Christ defines the value of life; all other relationships get their final significance from this. No family relationship is ultimate; relationship to Christ is.

Take heed here lest you minimize what I am saying and do not hear how radical it really is. I am not sentimentalizing singleness to make the unmarried feel good. I am declaring the temporary and secondary nature of marriage and family over against the eternal and primary nature of the church. -John Piper

It's been almost a full year since I lost my previous job. Since that time God has healed my soul from a hurt that started all the way back in 2000, when I decided not to go back to college. I was paralyzed by fear and self depreciation. I still feel like I made the right decision by not going back to college, but it was a set back, but a set back that allowed me to slowly trust God over my ability. It kind of makes me sick to think of the 7 years it's taken for me to grasp what God was teaching, but I have taken so many good side steps along the way, I really wouldn't have it any other way.

For 9 weeks my pastor has been doing a series on marriage and the correlation of the church and Christ. As a single person this study has been fascinating. Since I don't have an inside perception it's been really enlightening to learn about it through "perfect glasses", that is the Bible. If my expectations weren't already high, they are now. Not that I expect a perfect marriage, but I do expect one that emulates Christ's love and that's hard enough. Through these messages I walk out of church every week and appreciate my singleness a little bit more. This last message, specifically about singleness, isn't any different, in fact I appreciate it even more. God has given me a gift and a time to focus my love and life on Christ. The question I have to ask myself is why would I ask for another love?